A Heady Love Affair

I'm reading a great book about the ambassador to Germany during Hitlers rise to power. One of the main stories that the author focuses on is the story of the ambassador's daughter, Martha. She was a bit of a romantic to put it lightly. She slept around a lot with a lot of men, even when she was married, and with many, many married men. She hopped around a lot. 

Still I see some of my life in her. There are moments when she writes that hit me right in the heart. 

She was discussing how much she loved one man, a married Russian diplomat, and she expresses it like this:

Our affair grew steadily more serious despite our efforts to keep things light and noncommittal  . . . still he sent me a blizzard of flowers and notes, he sent music and telephoned me repeatedly, which was flattering and I loved responding . . . still I have to admit . . . I needed to love him only lightly

That's a great line isn't it? I needed to love him only lightly. 

Then she goes on to say:

. . . behind it all was that looming question where could our relationship possibly go . . . I could not bear to think of the future either with him or without him, I loved my family, my husband, and did not want to face the possibility of separation from either . . .

We've all been in that place right? Pulled two different ways due to love? Some rise to the challege (which I feel I did) . . . some wilt like flowers bfore it. 

This last line is the best if you ask me. 

He pleaded with me . . . don't treat me lightly, he said, I could not bear it . . . I looked away and whispered, . .  I love you, you know it and you know how hard I try not to 

I love you . . . you know it . . . and you know how hard I try not to.

Oooomph. That hits quite hard don't it! I've been on the recieving end of that type of love. It aint fun at all.