Poor Fit

I got a chance to sit behind my old colleagues for a short flight back home. I didn't "try" to listen in, but I did hear. And each successive sentence made me realize how happy I was to have left. I listened to them say this and that and then this again,  . . . (then that again) . . . and I swear I didn't want to roll my eyes, . . But I may have. 

It made me think about the report I wrote several years ago. I tried to get it published. I thought it was good enough to be published, but it never was. I remember I got a somewhat poor grade on it, and I was furious, . . . apparently Dr. Priest is a better grader than I thought. No one else thought it was any good either. 

Autoethnography, Question 12

Can you describe an instance where emotional support from the group directly affected your academic progress?

Emotional support. That's an interesting one. I think as I've explained, that having Darron around and Andrew at the beginning helped me with a sense of "let me tag along with these smart cats and maybe i can get by." So there was that. Then with Anne, I felt a sense of belonging from another professional. So in terms of "imposter syndrome" having the group helped me over come those things. 

But then I also think about the number of times that William would express, "Don't worry, we promised we'd all get through this." Again, I don't remember making that "promise," but it was great that he reiterated it so much that it became a promise. And I think that underlying sentiment certainly helped me persevere when I might have considered stopping. 

Showmanship

I am not a showman. I can stand up in front of a class and provide training. I'm quite good at it at times, in fact. I think I trained myself to be comfortable with training, but it doesn't come naturally. When I'm done, I'm usually smoked. I think I've written before about energy and extroversion and introversion. Some (extroverts) are able to gain more energy from crowds or presentations, others (introverts) expend or waste that energy. I'm an introvert. 

So I'm not a natural showman. I'd much rather operate in the shadows rather than be a frontman. I was discussing this with my wife the other day when she was telling the CFO of the company she works for why it wasn't necessary for her to come in and meet the C-Suite. They were so appreciative of her work that they wanted to thank her. They didn't know that, like me, you thank me by not doing that. 

Buccee's Culture at Chick-fil-A?

Today I suppose I want to discuss organizational culture. It's always been interesting to me, and it's been a slow-burning interest overall. Culture, first for me, came into play around esprit de corps in the Army. There was a ton of competition for "best" battalion. Who had the fastest runners, who were the best at CQB, and which squad was best at combatives? Everything was a competition, and that competition raised everyone's standards. And we all thought ours was the best. 

It wasn't until later that I realized that all Army units have this same culture. Every single one thinks they are better than the others. 

Autoethnography, Question 11

How did the study group influence your sense of belonging in the program?

I think in terms of this question, the study group had different influences on me depending on which part of the program we were in. During the very beginning of the program, I think I had imposter syndrome. Meeting Andrew and Darron was a bit intimidating, and I felt I might be in the wrong place. Meeting Anne helped some since she, like me, worked in the corporate world. So I guess to answer the question, the study group helped me overcome that initial panic/sense of imposter syndrome. 

Later in the program, I think that sense of belonging in the program was more intense and succinct. For a while, the study group seemed quite special as an entity within the program. Later, I found out it was more exclusive than I realized. We didn't mean to be exclusive; in fact, there were two or three people who were momentarily a part of our group who didn't glom on as rigorously as we might have hoped. So we were always open to inviting others into the group. But, yeah, it seemed to become an exclusive club that became a bit well-known in the program, among the professors and the other students.

Ruminations on Circuses

There are times when I ruminate on my challenges, or past challenges, in an effort to better understand them, deal with them, or make sense of what happened. I think it's a part of "red teaming" or self-authorship to think about and make sense of our past challenges so that these problems don't crop up again. 

Ergo, I was thinking more about my previous job. The organization itself is doing fine. In fact, I think they are flourishing in many ways. They are growing into new markets. They have a solid foundation of workers who can meet the day-to-day needs of the customers. The organization has a terrific mandate and a wonderful base of customers, followers, and friends in the community. 

The challenge? 

Autoethnography, Question 10

How did accountability to peers differ from accountability to faculty or institutional deadlines?

I can't think of many times where this comes up in terms of our study group and coursework. . . However when I consider this question from the perspective of our dissertation work, I think the study group increased the level of accountability I felt for the group's success, . . . that being said, it was definitely by way of Will. 

I've always been a tad cold about group work, I think I've mentioned that before. Maybe it's my nature, or it could be the Rangers, but if you weren't keeping up with the group, you got thrown out . . . eventually. There was definitely the idea that we perform best as a team in the Rangers, but also, if a Ranger wasn't pulling their weight, or holding the rest back, you cut em away. That actually came up a lot in the Rangers. If you're a "towed jumper" you got cut away. 

Full Circle Meeting

When I was first starting in the industry, I had a meeting with my boss and a group of oil field leaders. I remember that I got there first and was shown to a conference room. Several of the guys hung out with me to keep me company while we waited for the bosses.

My boss at that time was a lady we shall call BKB. A great boss. I still see her and get advice from her when I can. But I thought it was interesting, she may have been the last one to show up . . . in fact I'm sure of it, . . .and when she did the tone and tenor of the meeting completely changed. I remember it well. 

Autoethnography, Question 8

Were there points when the group played a role in keeping you engaged when you might otherwise have disengaged?

This question really resonates with me, and perhaps in ways that it might not with the others in the group. There are times when I find qualitative analysis quite boring. I love interviewing participants, I enjoy writing up results . . .but coding? . . . analysis of the data? Hard pass. 

Forced to Hire

I'm being forced to hire someone. Yes, I know this sounds weird, but it's true. I don't want to . . . I shouldn't have to . . . but I'm being forced to. 

I remember one of my professors talking about how jealous they were of me when I told them that I was being asked how many research assistants I wanted. Little did they know that I don't want em!

Autoethnography, Question 7

How, if at all, did participation in the study group influence your motivation to persist in the program?

This is a good question and one that I have often considered. I'm a fairly persistent fella. When I think about this question, I think about other challenges in my life. I completed Ranger School (9/10 on the difficulty scale), Scuba School (10/10 for different reasons), Basic Training (6/10), Airborne School (3/10), RIP (5/10), and Pre-Ranger (7/10), and several other sundry Army Ranger training missions. All were challenging in their own way. And I completed them all. 

I completed my MBA (3/10), my bachelor's with a double major in 3 years (4/10), and I will even include in these challenges some of the projects I've worked on through my jobs (3/10). I've written three novels (8/10), which took years of persistence to complete. 

The Further I Get . . .

The further I get from my last job, the longer I stay with my new job, the more astounded I am that I stayed with that group so long. I understand that this requires a bit more explanation, as most things do here. 

I told my close friend and colleague, who just got an amazing new job after leaving shortly after I did, that I was "embarrassed" that I had been a part of that group for so long. She pushed back and disagreed with me. 

Ghost at your Own Risk

I was listening to a podcast about emotions, and I was considering my "challenges" with ghosting. Anyone who has read my thoughts in these blog posts before will no that I'm not a fan of "ghosting." I think it's a horrible way to deal with things. Not only am I not a fan, but I think it's a perniciously bad thing to do that can be devastating to relationships. 

One of my good friends, who has quite a bit of background in conflict resolution, disagrees, and he says that ghosting is a viable form of "conflict avoidance." He is probably right, and it's a good thing for me to think about, self-authorship and all that . . . being able to put oneself in another person's shoes and see things from the perspective. Still, I think it's horrible. 

Autoethnography, Question 6

Can you describe a moment when you felt the group was “doing something together” that mattered academically?

This may be the strangest answer imaginable, but the one that truly sticks out in my mind was our statistics and probability class. This was a time when I think the whole group took full advantage of the study group. I remember we had a genuinely bad professor. Not that he didn't know statistics and probability, he did. He may hve known too much. The analogy might be he was Michael Jordan trying to coach a high school team. Where MJ might just say, "drive to the basket and make the bucket" a high school team might need a bit more scaffolding than MJ is ready to provide. That was our professors. He was just too smart to be our professor. I believe the entire class felt this way. 

Additionally, I believe it was a summer class and only 6 weeks. We moved FAST. There was no time for straggling or confusion. Then there was the challenge that 3/4 of the study group already knew that they were focused on or leaning toward Qualitative methodologies. I think at the time Anne may have been considering mixed methods. This class might have been her tipping point where she decided to eschew stats and quantitative methods. 

Lose It Resolution

Another resolution I'm considering is a Lose It resolution. I've been testing it out. And maybe it makes the most sense if I describe the process I'm working on and then, at the end, tie it up with a written declaration. 

About three or four years ago I did a diet that worked very well for me. It was basically, when you boil it all down, severe calorie restriction. I think I did it for 2 or 3 months and lost about 30 pounds, maybe a bit more. There were other aspects to it, there were daily and weekly check ins with a coach, there were food packets or "fuelings" . . . all of which were about 100 calories. There were readings and videos, etc etc. But when you boil it down, I was eating probably 5 times a day, only 100 calories per packet, so 500 calories, and a meal that was limited to about 800 to 1000 calories. So, what? 1300 to 1500 calories a day? 

Bring Sally Up Resolution

So, I'm already working on some of these resolutions. I've already signed up for a fun run. I've started Roomba-ing, but the other one I'm already doing could be the easiest to remember, but the hardest to complete of them all.

A while back, there was a little internet fad around the song, Bring Sally Up. The goal was to do pushups every time the song cues you with the phrase, "bring Sally up, bring Sally down." The problem is that the song lasts about three minutes, and you'll end up doing only 30 pushups, but most of your time will be spent in the down position. 

Fun Run Resolution

Another resolution that I have for 2026, is to run a fun run a month. I did this same thing a couple of years ago, and I almost made it through the whole year, too. I think I missed one in August. Apparently, there aren't many fun runs in August in Houston. 

I recycled it the next year. That year it was 10K a month. It could be a 10K run, or two 5Ks. Again, I think I almost made it, or I did make it through the whole year. 

Autoethnography, Question 5

How did shared language, routines, or norms develop within the group?

This is the toughest one to answer. I can't think of any "shared language, norms or routines" that developed within the group. But as I consider it, I think of some small ones. For one, we almost always had our cameras on when we met . . . And we almost always met via Zoom. We didn't conference call (unless someone was driving or couldn't be at their desk). So, I suppose that was the norm. Now that I think about it, no one ever said we had to meet via Zoom, but we did. In fact, I can't think of a time, other than the few times we met in person, when we didn't meet via Zoom. The opportunity to just call each other was there, but we always met via Zoom, and it was always an expectation. 

Another norm was that during our coursework phase of the program, we met just about weekly. Weekly check-ins became a norm. Even if we couldn't make it, we checked in and at least canceled the standing meeting. I know there were times when I couldn't meet, and the rest of the group met without me, and times when others couldn't meet, and I met with whoever could show up. It was nice to have that many people in the group so that if one couldn't make it, someone else might be able to show it.