Poor Fit

I got a chance to sit behind my old colleagues for a short flight back home. I didn't "try" to listen in, but I did hear. And each successive sentence made me realize how happy I was to have left. I listened to them say this and that and then this again,  . . . (then that again) . . . and I swear I didn't want to roll my eyes, . . But I may have. 

It made me think about the report I wrote several years ago. I tried to get it published. I thought it was good enough to be published, but it never was. I remember I got a somewhat poor grade on it, and I was furious, . . . apparently Dr. Priest is a better grader than I thought. No one else thought it was any good either. 

Autoethnography, Question 12

Can you describe an instance where emotional support from the group directly affected your academic progress?

Emotional support. That's an interesting one. I think as I've explained, that having Darron around and Andrew at the beginning helped me with a sense of "let me tag along with these smart cats and maybe i can get by." So there was that. Then with Anne, I felt a sense of belonging from another professional. So in terms of "imposter syndrome" having the group helped me over come those things. 

But then I also think about the number of times that William would express, "Don't worry, we promised we'd all get through this." Again, I don't remember making that "promise," but it was great that he reiterated it so much that it became a promise. And I think that underlying sentiment certainly helped me persevere when I might have considered stopping. 

Showmanship

I am not a showman. I can stand up in front of a class and provide training. I'm quite good at it at times, in fact. I think I trained myself to be comfortable with training, but it doesn't come naturally. When I'm done, I'm usually smoked. I think I've written before about energy and extroversion and introversion. Some (extroverts) are able to gain more energy from crowds or presentations, others (introverts) expend or waste that energy. I'm an introvert. 

So I'm not a natural showman. I'd much rather operate in the shadows rather than be a frontman. I was discussing this with my wife the other day when she was telling the CFO of the company she works for why it wasn't necessary for her to come in and meet the C-Suite. They were so appreciative of her work that they wanted to thank her. They didn't know that, like me, you thank me by not doing that. 

Buccee's Culture at Chick-fil-A?

Today I suppose I want to discuss organizational culture. It's always been interesting to me, and it's been a slow-burning interest overall. Culture, first for me, came into play around esprit de corps in the Army. There was a ton of competition for "best" battalion. Who had the fastest runners, who were the best at CQB, and which squad was best at combatives? Everything was a competition, and that competition raised everyone's standards. And we all thought ours was the best. 

It wasn't until later that I realized that all Army units have this same culture. Every single one thinks they are better than the others. 

Autoethnography, Question 11

How did the study group influence your sense of belonging in the program?

I think in terms of this question, the study group had different influences on me depending on which part of the program we were in. During the very beginning of the program, I think I had imposter syndrome. Meeting Andrew and Darron was a bit intimidating, and I felt I might be in the wrong place. Meeting Anne helped some since she, like me, worked in the corporate world. So I guess to answer the question, the study group helped me overcome that initial panic/sense of imposter syndrome. 

Later in the program, I think that sense of belonging in the program was more intense and succinct. For a while, the study group seemed quite special as an entity within the program. Later, I found out it was more exclusive than I realized. We didn't mean to be exclusive; in fact, there were two or three people who were momentarily a part of our group who didn't glom on as rigorously as we might have hoped. So we were always open to inviting others into the group. But, yeah, it seemed to become an exclusive club that became a bit well-known in the program, among the professors and the other students.

Ruminations on Circuses

There are times when I ruminate on my challenges, or past challenges, in an effort to better understand them, deal with them, or make sense of what happened. I think it's a part of "red teaming" or self-authorship to think about and make sense of our past challenges so that these problems don't crop up again. 

Ergo, I was thinking more about my previous job. The organization itself is doing fine. In fact, I think they are flourishing in many ways. They are growing into new markets. They have a solid foundation of workers who can meet the day-to-day needs of the customers. The organization has a terrific mandate and a wonderful base of customers, followers, and friends in the community. 

The challenge? 

Autoethnography, Question 10

How did accountability to peers differ from accountability to faculty or institutional deadlines?

I can't think of many times where this comes up in terms of our study group and coursework. . . However when I consider this question from the perspective of our dissertation work, I think the study group increased the level of accountability I felt for the group's success, . . . that being said, it was definitely by way of Will. 

I've always been a tad cold about group work, I think I've mentioned that before. Maybe it's my nature, or it could be the Rangers, but if you weren't keeping up with the group, you got thrown out . . . eventually. There was definitely the idea that we perform best as a team in the Rangers, but also, if a Ranger wasn't pulling their weight, or holding the rest back, you cut em away. That actually came up a lot in the Rangers. If you're a "towed jumper" you got cut away. 

Full Circle Meeting

When I was first starting in the industry, I had a meeting with my boss and a group of oil field leaders. I remember that I got there first and was shown to a conference room. Several of the guys hung out with me to keep me company while we waited for the bosses.

My boss at that time was a lady we shall call BKB. A great boss. I still see her and get advice from her when I can. But I thought it was interesting, she may have been the last one to show up . . . in fact I'm sure of it, . . .and when she did the tone and tenor of the meeting completely changed. I remember it well. 

Autoethnography, Question 8

Were there points when the group played a role in keeping you engaged when you might otherwise have disengaged?

This question really resonates with me, and perhaps in ways that it might not with the others in the group. There are times when I find qualitative analysis quite boring. I love interviewing participants, I enjoy writing up results . . .but coding? . . . analysis of the data? Hard pass. 

Forced to Hire

I'm being forced to hire someone. Yes, I know this sounds weird, but it's true. I don't want to . . . I shouldn't have to . . . but I'm being forced to. 

I remember one of my professors talking about how jealous they were of me when I told them that I was being asked how many research assistants I wanted. Little did they know that I don't want em!