Continuing Saga

One thing I notice . . . continuing yesterday's discussion about my "friend" LB, is that I'm not sure if she even knows if she wants to be a fan or friend. Why? Well, cause every now and then I notice that she deactivates, and in one case blocked my account, from a fake account she set up. 

I think about this often. the way I see it, one,  . . . she’s checking whether I noticed. I think her blocking and deactivating is her way of wondering: “Is he watching back?” . . . “Does he care?” . . . “Is he aware I’m here?” . . . . It's like she can’t decide whether to re-engage or fully detach.

I also think she’s conflicted in that she wants access but she doesn’t want me to know she wants access. So she creates distance, probably when she's feeling embarrassed or exposed. I think this back-and-forth shows unresolved feelings  . . . probably not like she used to feel, most likely their pride-related. 

I also think she’s trying to manage her own image . . . at least in her own mind. She obviously wants to see how and what I'm doing . . . probably hoping to see evidence that I still notice them. Also, she may feel guilty or ashamed and be alternating between making contact or withdrawing.

Basically, I think she's obviously still watching me, and is unsure how she feels . . . definitely she feels unsure whether she wants reconnection or closure, and she's trying to regulate mixed feelings about how the friendship ended.

What's especially frustrating is that she is doing all of these things without actually reaching out, which suggests she’s not ready — or doesn’t feel safe — to initiate communication. But it was her lack of reaching out that caused the end of our relationship in the first place. One would think a degree of "learning" would occur at some point. 

My good friend, WF, who is a conflict resolution SME, has actually talked to me about the feelings that accompany ghosting. I think ghosting is horrible. I think it's narcissistic and selfish. WF disagrees. He sees ghosting as a viable form of conflict avoidance. When someone ghosts a close friend, it often means they don't know how to talk about something, avoiding a feeling of vulnerability,  obviously assuming I would always be present. 

Now, I've forced a shift. She feels the loss. She no longer has control, but curiosity and probably regret have kicked in. I think that this cycle of creating/deleting/following/blocking is her way of “processing without talking.”

What should I do? I believe I should do nothing. By doing nothing, she will eventually be forced to stop. Attention without reward extinguishes behavior.